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Wellington, New Zealand
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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

the silly season

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2009
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. Don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family.


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE:
22nd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Pauline.

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if Iput a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn'tbe anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 istoo much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline.

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: 24th October 2009
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggybag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other; L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to crossdress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar'desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?! Pauline.

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****ing Employees
DATE: 25th October 2009 RE:
The F.. Holiday Party

Vegetarians - I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f**** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too; they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink drive and die. The Witch from HELL!!!

FROM: John Benson, (Acting Human Resources Director)
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2009
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.

(we're still allowed to call it that here in New Zealand)


Stacey said...

Oh my gosh! That was great and so true! Can't please everyone, can ya!

KK said...

How funny. Merry Christmas!!!

Carmel said...

I feel for Pauline - remind me never to volunteer to organise a C........ party.

Michelle said...

That was a hoot!

auntiegwen said...

Ah yes, I know the feeling well !!!!

theUngourmet said...

What a crack up! :D Thanks for the great laugh. I'm going to email this to my mom she'll get a good laugh. Thanks! :D

Jaina said...

I've seen this one before, never fails to make me laugh. I still say MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Kelly said...

That was funny - and quite relevant as I had to get the chrissy lunch for the office organised!